The chairs are still at Jason’s

The Coaching Moment

A closer look with Rich and DeAnna

Rich

Mia wanted one thing off her list. That sentence helps me feel the disappointment underneath her questions. She had handed Alex the chair pickup so she could stop holding it in her head. When he walks in without the chairs, she is back to imagining Saturday with people arriving and nowhere for them to sit.

Alex arrives carrying flowers and reaches for the cheese. He seems ready to come home to an ordinary, affectionate evening. Then the questions start, and he hears them as a conclusion about him: she has already decided he won't follow through. It can feel lonely to have your care questioned, especially when you thought you were showing it. He still needs to answer for the promise he forgot.

Watch how quickly their words get smaller than what they want to say. “I'll handle it.” “I'm trying to get through the door.” Neither sentence lets Mia know when she can stop worrying. His sharpness also makes it harder for her to hear the embarrassment or frustration he might be carrying. They are close enough to reach the same cutting board and having trouble reaching each other.

James tells his readers to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. He connects that posture with receiving God's word humbly. When I already feel misunderstood, that invitation reaches the part of me that wants to answer before anyone can say another thing. There is room to hear what is actually being asked. Alex could begin by letting Mia's concern be about the chairs long enough to understand it.

DeAnna

Start with the agreement. Alex said he would collect the chairs, and Mia needs a dependable answer. Calling this a pattern between them mustn't make that responsibility disappear. You can look at how a conversation unfolded and still be clear about who had agreed to do what.

Follow the next few moves. Mia asks about the forgotten chairs. Alex says tomorrow. She asks for details, his answers get shorter, and he turns toward the mail. She explains again; he answers with an edge. You may hear these moves called pursue and withdraw: one person presses for an answer while the other pulls back. You don't need the right technical label to recognize what's happening. Mia's questions are reasonable, and noticing the sequence doesn't assign blame or tell us who either spouse is. A recognizable action gives you somewhere to start.

The roles can change with the subject. You might press for an answer about a bill and find something urgent in the garage when your spouse asks about your distance. Your sequence may look different from theirs. Begin with what you actually said or did and what followed.

Mia eventually says, “I wanted to stop worrying about it.” That is much clearer than asking the same question one more time and hoping it will carry everything she means. Alex also puts the mail down and says what he heard. Try giving your own hope that kind of plain language. They finish the scene arranging the flowers together, Mia finding a jar and Alex trimming the stems. There is affection in those ordinary movements, and we get to enjoy seeing it.

Today's practice

Follow the Next Few Moves

Recall one ordinary conversation that became tense. Choose something manageable that feels familiar, perhaps a question that became several questions or an explanation that ended with one of you looking away. Stay with a few seconds you remember.

Trace two or three visible moves in order: “My spouse asked about the bill. I explained my workday. They asked again, and I picked up my phone.” Use your actual exchange. Leave out guesses about what your spouse wanted. Find your own move within the sequence.

You can remember the exchange quietly or jot down a few words. Nothing needs to be shared. If a similar moment begins today, notice where you are in that familiar back-and-forth before making your next move.

Scripture · James 1:19 to 21

James 1:19 to 21 joins patient hearing and restraint in anger with humble reception of God's word. James warns that human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires. He asks his readers to put away what corrupts their lives and receive the word planted in them. Read this with your own readiness to receive in view. When a question touches your pride, can you hear its actual concern before preparing your answer? Humility makes space for God's correction right there in the kitchen.

A prayer

Jesus, when a question makes me feel accused, help me slow down enough to hear it. Let your word reach my pride and my anger. Give me plain words for my concern and the humility to receive what I need to hear.

If speaking honestly brings fear, threats, or retaliation, skip the shared conversation and seek confidential support. You are not responsible for preventing another person’s harmful choices.